Leadership Mindset: How to Stop Holding Yourself Back
Updated: Aug 16
By Stephanie Bickel
Your leadership mindset shapes how you communicate, especially when the pressure is high.
You can be prepared. You can know your business. You can have years of experience. And you can still walk into a difficult conversation and start questioning yourself.
I see this often in my coaching work.
One manager I'll call Sam is sharp, accomplished, and very good at what she does. But when the pressure goes up, particularly when she receives difficult feedback, she starts focusing more on being liked than on leading.
Instead of asking, "What do I think about this?" she starts wondering, "What do they think about me?"
That's when her communication changes.
When Feedback Becomes Personal
After a client deck review, Sam received feedback that felt sharp and dismissive.
She had worked hard on the presentation. There were late nights, last-minute changes, and a lot of thought behind the decisions she made.
But after the review, that wasn't what she was thinking about.
Instead, she heard:
"I should have known better."
"They don't value me."
"I'm not good enough."
Notice what happened here.
Sam wasn't reacting only to the feedback. She was reacting to what she decided the feedback meant.
As leaders, we have to learn to separate those two things.
Feedback can be difficult. It can even be poorly delivered. But when we immediately turn it into a judgment about our value or ability, we carry that story into the next conversation.
We get quieter. We overexplain. We become defensive. Or we agree too quickly because we want the tension to go away.
How Your Leadership Mindset Affects Communication
In our coaching, we looked at the thoughts driving Sam's frustration:
"The partner doesn't respect me."
"The partner is emotional and overly critical."
"The partner doesn't value my input."
"This partner is going to give me a negative review like the last one did."
Those thoughts felt true to Sam.
But were they facts?
That's an important question.
We tried another thought:
"They're under pressure too. I did good work, and I'm still learning."
That one thought gave Sam more room.
It didn't mean the feedback was right. It didn't mean she had to agree with everything she heard. And it certainly didn't mean excusing poor behavior.
It meant she could walk into the next conversation without already deciding what the other person thought of her.
Before you respond to difficult feedback, get clear on what actually happened and what you're adding to the story.
That is part of managing your leadership mindset.
Building a Stronger Leadership Mindset
Sam doesn't need to become more polished. She already knows how to do the work.
Her opportunity is to trust herself enough to lead.
For her, that looks like:
Less focus on being liked. More focus on being clear.
Less "What do they think of me?" More "What do I think about this?"
Less interpreting. More observing.
Less self-criticism. More curiosity.
This is a subtle shift, but it changes how you communicate.
If you're worried about being liked, you may soften a message that needs to be direct.
If you're worried about being wrong, you may overexplain.
If you're worried about someone's reaction, you may never say what actually needs to be said.
The goal is to notice when that's happening and make a different choice.
Manager Resilience in the Face of Feedback
There was another piece of Sam's story we needed to look at.
She had previously worked with a manager who returned from maternity leave under tremendous pressure and pushed the team particularly hard.
That experience stayed with her.
We talked about what it might have sounded like if that manager had eventually said:
"I was exhausted. I felt like I had to make up for lost time. I know I didn't lead well, and I'm sorry."
Even imagining that acknowledgment helped Sam see the experience differently.
Sometimes we don't get the conversation we wish we had received.
We don't always get the apology. We don't always get an explanation. We don't always get someone else to acknowledge what happened.
But we can decide how much influence that experience gets to have over the next one.
That's an important part of resilience.
From Self-Criticism to Self-Trust
One of Sam's biggest shifts was learning to watch herself like a coach, not a critic.
Her practice became:
Feel valued even when no one says it out loud.
Separate current feedback from previous experiences.
Notice her reaction before acting on it.
Ask what she can learn without turning every mistake into a judgment about herself.
The goal is to catch yourself sooner.
You're allowed to feel defensive. You're allowed to be disappointed. You're allowed to disagree with the feedback.
But you don't have to communicate from that place.
Give yourself enough time to decide what you actually think and how you want to respond.
That's where self-trust starts to show up in your communication.
What Is Your Mindset Communicating?
If you notice yourself losing confidence in difficult conversations, ask:
Am I trying to be respected or accepted?
Am I seeking feedback or permission?
What do I actually know?
What am I assuming?
Is an old experience influencing how I'm responding to this one?
A strong leadership mindset doesn't mean that criticism stops bothering you or that you never question yourself.
It means you know how to work through those reactions without letting them take over your communication.
Hear the feedback. Decide what's useful. Question the assumptions you're making. Then decide how you want to show up.
That's the work.
And the more you practice it, the more confidently you can lead when the conversation gets difficult.
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Continue Improving Your Leadership Communication
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