When You’re the One Holding Yourself Back

A Lesson in Leadership Mindset and Manager Resilience

By Stephanie Bickel

Let’s start with the most inconvenient truth in leadership: Your mindset is the strongest lever you have—and the hardest one to manage at times.

Sam knows this intimately. She’s a sharp, accomplished manager, who—on paper—has it all together. But when it comes to communication, particularly under pressure, a different Sam shows up: the likable one, the agreeable one, the one chasing approval like it’s a KPI.

She doesn’t show up to lead. She shows up to be liked.

Sound familiar?

The Moment That Hit Like a Freight Train

It happened after a client deck review. Sam had worked tirelessly—late nights, last-minute tweaks, double-checking everything. The feedback came fast and sharp, less about the work, more about tone. It felt emotional, dismissive. No mention of the effort, the rationale, the sweat.

She shrank.

She questioned her instincts.

She rewrote the narrative in her head: “I should’ve known better.” “They don’t value me.” “I’m not good enough.”

Here’s what we helped her uncover:That story? It’s fiction. It’s self-sabotage with a glossy professional veneer.

Self-Coaching

We walked through the thoughts that were creating the frustration, disappointment, and anxiety.

"The Partner doesn’t respect me.” That thought created insecurity, which led to silence, which led to resentment.

"The Partner is emotional and overly critical."

"The Partner doesn't value my input."

"This Partner is going to give me a negative review like the last one did."

Now imagine this thought instead: “They’re under pressure too. I did good work, and I’m still learning.”

Changing the thought, shifts all the emotions. That creates self-compassion. Which produces confidence. Which leads to a very different Sam walking into that meeting.

Building a Leadership Mindset

This isn’t just cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s strategy. It’s how leaders rise.

Sam's growth path isn’t about being more polished. It’s about being more herself.

• Less overcompensating.

• More owning the room.

• Less “What do they think of me?”

• More “What do I think of this?”

She’s practicing a radical thought: I am already enough.

And when she believes that? She shows up differently. She speaks with clarity. She leads without apology. She becomes—dare we say it—magnetic.

Manager Resilience in the Face of Feedback

We also rewound the tape to a moment many managers know all too well:A team stressed out by a leader returning from maternity leave, trying to prove value, pushing too hard.

Sam had been in that storm.

We role-played what it would have sounded like if that manager had said:"I was exhausted. I felt like I had to make up for lost time. I know I didn’t lead well, and I’m sorry."

Sam felt seen—even in the hypothetical.

And that’s the twist: Sometimes what we need isn’t justice. It’s closure.Even if it comes from ourselves.

From Self-Criticism to Self-Trust

Sam big leap? Trading judgment for observation.Her homework:

• Practice feeling valued—even when no one says it out loud.

• Give herself the apology she never received.

• Watch herself like a coach, not a critic.

Because the truth is, we all have an inner boardroom.And if the loudest voice in there is your inner saboteur? You’ll never lead with conviction.

What This Means for You

If you’re struggling with communication, here’s your mirror moment:

• Are you speaking to be respected—or accepted?

• Are you seeking feedback—or permission?

• Are you reacting to ghosts—or leading in the now?

Leadership mindset isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present.Manager resilience isn’t about being tough. It’s about being anchored.

Sam's just getting started—but she’s already proving what’s possible when you lead from the inside out.

____

Want to learn from more people like Sam, join Speak by Design University. In our "live" group coaching meetings, professional share their struggles and breakthroughs at work. This is a supportive group that uses communication skills and mindset shifts to become the leader you are meant to be. speakbydesign.com/join