Influencing Across: Convert Enemies to Allies by Knowing Their Currency
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
By Stephanie Bickel, Speak by Design
You can be brilliant at your job and still feel powerless the moment you need a peer’s buy-in.
Influencing across is where careers get sticky. It’s not like influencing down, where you can rely on clarity, consistency, and repetition.
With peers, the power dynamic is equal, the politics are real, and the unspoken rule is this: nobody wants to be “managed” by someone who doesn’t manage them.
So what happens?
A peer keeps saying “yes” to clients and volunteering you for the 3:00 a.m. webinar.
A counterpart in another function undermines you with subtle criticism and “candor.”
Two leaders, the CFO and Chief Legal, openly admit they do not trust each other, and the CEO is stuck refereeing grown adults.
And you’re left asking: how do I move this relationship forward without becoming a doormat, a politician, or a professional people-pleaser?
Know their Currency
Here is the fastest shortcut I’ve seen for influencing across and converting enemies to allies: figure out what the other person values most, then communicate in that language.
I call it their currency.
One of our leaders in Speak by Design University shared something that landed hard for the group: every organization has a currency, and if you speak it, you gain influence faster.
Examples of currencies she’s seen in the wild:
Alignment: if you can create alignment, you win trust.
Tenure: it does not matter how smart you are if you are new. Borrow credibility through affiliation.
Relationship: the team values connection and familiarity. Trust is built through human touches, not just competence.
When you know someone’s currency, you stop trying to “win” with your expertise alone. You start winning by making it easy for them to say yes without losing what they value.
The simplest question to ask yourself:
What does this person treat like money?
Then use that as your starting point.
Even the best have blind spots
There’s a myth that strong leaders do not have blind spots. The truth is the opposite. The strongest leaders simply build faster feedback loops.
Blind spots are often not dramatic. They are subtle, social, and cumulative:
Being extra warm to the new person and accidentally signaling favorites.
Taking meetings off someone’s plate to “help” them, and unknowingly stripping them of their influence, visibility, or relationships.
Making decisions without asking enough questions, then being surprised when the team feels excluded or insulted.
Blind spots are costly because they quietly erode trust. And once trust is eroded, everything feels like politics.
360 Help
A well-run 360 can be a powerful mirror. It surfaces patterns you cannot see from inside your own habits.
In our work, we love lightweight 360s that do not feel like a tribunal. Two questions are plenty:
What makes this leader outstanding?
What would make them even stronger?
That is it.
When done well, a 360 gives you language for what you already sense but cannot prove. It also gives you shared reality so you are not relying on vague feedback like “you’re intense” or “your tone is tough.”
But we don’t always have access to them
Not every organization has a formal 360 process. Even when they do, it can backfire if it feels evaluative, political, or punitive.
So what do you do when you cannot run a 360, but you still need to influence across and handle a difficult stakeholder?
You create your own feedback and influence system.
Below are practical moves you can use immediately.
Tips for Influencing Across and Converting Enemies to Allies
1) Map your stakeholders like a strategist
Stop focusing only on the loudest enemy.
Often your fastest path to influence is strengthening allies, not wrestling enemies.
2) Create neutral touch points
If every interaction is a friction point, conflict becomes the relationship.
One leader shared a simple move: small, neutral moments that lower temperature.
A quick hello
A coffee drop-by
A human connection point (kids, travel, shared context)
This is not schmoozing. This is de-escalation. You are building a foundation so that when you must negotiate, you are not starting at zero.
3) Convert by speaking the currency
Once you identify currency, tailor your approach:
If their currency is alignment, lead with “Here’s what we agree on.”
If their currency is tenure, borrow credibility through a respected partner or sponsor.
If their currency is relationship, invest in trust deposits before you make withdrawals.
Influence accelerates when the other person feels safe and seen.
4) Use the repair script
If someone crossed a line and you need to repair, try this approach. It is short, direct, and mature:
“I’m still thinking about the strong words you said.”
“It’s starting to take a toll on my working relationship with you.”
“How can we get this back on track?”
This is not emotional dumping. It is leadership. It names impact without attacking character, and it opens a door.
5) Separate the person from the behavior
When someone is consistently harsh, your nervous system will start bracing for impact. That makes you interpret everything as hostile.
A reframe that helps:
“This is a person who says things I don’t like.”
“That’s what they do.”
It sounds simple, but it reduces personalization. It keeps you strategic.
6) Use exposure, not pursuit
A common mistake is trying to fix a bully by spending more time with them.
A smarter move is controlled exposure. Let peers and leaders see the behavior so it becomes a pattern others can validate, not a private experience you carry alone.
Be careful here: the goal is not to “get them in trouble.” The goal is to stop being the only data point.
7) Build your own mini-360
If you cannot run a formal 360, run a micro-version.
Pick 3 people:
one above you
one peer
one person you support or lead
Ask one question: “What is one thing I do that helps my influence, and one thing that unintentionally creates friction?”
You will learn more than you think.
8) Practice the conversation
Most leaders try to “think” their way through peer conflict.
But influence is a performance. Under pressure, you do not rise to your intentions, you fall to your patterns.
That is why rehearsing works:
role play the pushback
test your one-liners
practice the boundary without apology
practice the reframe that protects the relationship
If you want to influence across, you need language that lands on the first try.
Influencing across is not about being liked. It’s about being trusted.
And trust is built fastest when you know the other person’s currency, address your own blind spots, and treat relationship repair as a leadership skill, not a personality trait.
Your next move is simple:
Identify one stakeholder who feels like an “enemy.”
Name their currency.
Choose one influence move that respects it.
That is how enemies become allies. Not through force, but through strategic influence.
If influencing across feels harder than it should, it is rarely about intelligence. It is about language, positioning, and timing.
Inside Speak by Design University, we train leaders to influence without posturing, repair relationships without apologizing for competence, and build credibility across functions.
If you are ready to stop managing politics and start mastering influence, join us.
